A letter to my 40 year old self

The eve of your fortieth birthday is a time for reflection for lots of people, and why should I be any different. Life didn't take the path I thought it would take, but when I stop to evaluate , I realise that I got to exactly where I hoped I would be. 

I've achieved so many things on my bucket list, yet I always seemed to see the negatives, focussing on what I hadn't done, rather than the things I had. Nothing was ever good enough. I was never good enough. I wept and wailed over expanding waistlines, lost loves & opportunities missed. The grass was always greener in my neighbour's yard. 

But

I've travelled and lived in far flung places. 

I've swum with dolphins and had a hedgehog for a pet.

I've kissed a cowboy and watched the rodeo.

I've stomped grapes with my feet and driven a streetcar.

I've met a ghostbuster 

and visited Laura Ingalls Wilder's prairie home. 

I used the flag on a mailbox & rode a yellow school bus

I've cut down my own Christmas tree

I've ridden the broken horse on a carousel at the foot of Sacrè Coêur.

I met the man of my dreams, we had a gorgeous wedding and now are parents to the most wonderful, smart, funny affectionate Lil toddlebot. 

I've done loads. More than one person could hope to achieve. After forty years of diets, hair cuts, colours, style changes and fashion disasters, I've finally become comfortable in the skin I'm in. This body is mine. It may be falling apart at the seams, but it made and is still sustaining another life...not so useless as I once thought! 

The grass isn't greener anywhere else. I'm not rich, famous or skinny; I don't live in a mansion with a small fleet of servants at my beck and call (a girl can dream, right?) but I have a warm roof over my head, a loving family, a beautiful son who lights my world with his smile each and every day and food in my belly. For several wonderful people I am special, I am loved and I am important to them. And that's enough. 

I am enough. Enough for me, enough for my boy and enough for my family. 

I am good enough exactly as I am.

Bring it on forty...I cannot bloody wait to see what else is in store.

The 8th month sleep regression...or tenth circle of hell?

Yes, I've been MIA again. Firstly, I haven't quite cracked this blogging lark and thought I'd scheduled a post to go up automatically last week...but that clearly didn't work. Secondly, we are neck deep in another growth spurt/sleep regression/leap whatever you want to call it and it is taking a toll. 

I love my kid. Truly I do. I know I'm biased, but I think he is pretty bloody awesome as teacup humans go, however this past week I have been sorely tempted to leave him out for the wolves. Up to 4 months, I was feeling pretty good about this whole parenting lark. He would sleep at night in 3-4 hours bursts, and as we breastsleep, he would roll over, grab a boob and feed, then roll back all without ever truly waking. His day time naps were pretty regular too. At least an hour, sometimes more, both morning and afternoon. We had it made! 

Then plaguegate happened. 

Things never really got back to normal after that, but we were muddling along until this last month. Suddenly, naps stopped. Unless he was literally on me, or I was right beside him, he wasn't napping during the day, and for us that meant crappy nights too. The expression that "sleep breeds sleep" is definitely true for our minibeast and well sleep hasn't really been happening. He's been feeding hourly all night, and napping for 10 minutes if I'm lucky during the day and now I finally understand why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. 

Thanks to him still refusing bottles (😳 I have no idea what I'm going to do when I go back to work in a few weeks...answers on a postcard please?) all night feeds are my job, though if the other end needs sorting, that's the husbeast' job. I'm running on empty. My hubs is awesome, and tries hard to help out, but he sleeps like the dead. The other night, the lil bird decided that 4am was play time. He wiggled sideways in bed and was repeatedly kicking my husband and yelling "Dad, Dad, Dad" at the top of his lungs. I tried kicking him too. Not even a murmur. Next morning he said "you should have woken me". Don't worry, I didn't smother him in his sleep. Maybe next time?

But Jamie just seems to want mama, and only mama, and well....mama is a little touched out. How do you do it? How do people survive on so little rest? I genuinely would love to know, especially as I don't drink tea, coffee or cola so I can't even rely on caffeine to see me through. I find myself getting frustrated and irritable over the teensiest of things. Tiny molehills have become the highest mountains and my mental health is taking a bashing. I'm lucky that I have a good tribe, and plenty of support around me, but I can easily see how mums struggle and give up on breastfeeding at this point. I mean I find it hard enough to deal with when we share a bed. It must be ten times worse when you don't have that option, and not everyone does. 

For now, I'm existing on the glorious morning smiles, frequent cuddles...and cookies. Lots of cookies. See the recipe below for my super quick, easy cookie recipe that makes just enough to gorge on without feeling like a total heifer. Or maybe that's just me.

 

Chocolate Fork Cookies (makes 8 palm sized cookies)

Preheat oven to 180 Celsius 

Using your stand mixer (or a fork and bowl) mix together the ingredients below until they form a dough.

100g butter or margarine (I prefer real butter)

50g caster sugar

120g self -raising flour 

15g cocoa powder (I do a heaped tablespoon)

Split your dough into 8 pieces, roll between your palms to form balls, then place on a baking tray well spaced apart. Press the top lightly with the back of a fork. 

 

Bake for 15 - 20 minutes  in the centre of your pre-heated oven. ,

Leave to cool on their tray for 5 minutes before trying to move them as they will fall apart otherwise.

 

Perfect with cold milk, but even better with a good glass of Bailey's or Coole Swann 😉

Cheap overall bib tip

I'm trialling a new look to th blog for a new year. My "intention", as I don't do resolutions, is to aim for one blog post a week, but rotating topics, so alternating between parenting, clothing/shoe/accessories reviews, top tips, and I'm determined to try out some of the trillions of tutorials and hacks I have pinned.

This is something my mother suggested and it works like a charm. My lil dude was 4 weeks early and is a dainty little guy. Most overall bibs drown him, and even more annoying for him, he has teeny t-Rex arms. I haven't met a sleeve yet that I haven't needed to roll up. This was from Christmas Day and he was getting pointers from his great Granda 

 

He gets super frustrated when he's trying to eat and the billows of overall get in his way. We've tried plastic and terry and still have the same problem...until today. My mum made the very simple suggestion of using an old onesie that he has outgrown, cutting off the bottom and putting it on back to front. We tried it (without cutting off the bottom yet) this morning and what a difference! Despite being poorly and not his usual chirpy self, he found eating so much easier! Thanks mum!

 

What's your favourite hack?

''Tis the season!

It's the most wonderful time of the year, and we are shrugging off the the doom and gloom of illness to don our brightest most cheerful duds. I adore Christmas. The sparkle and lights and shiny shiny lovelies just lift my heart. My wonderful husbeast is a bit of a grinch, but three Christmases in and he's slowly coming around...he's even offered to wear a Christmas jumper this year! The last few years, the school I work at has taken part in the Save The Children Christmas Jumper Day event. On Friday 16th December, all across the U.K. People will dust off their favourite Christmas jumper and wear it for charity. Jamie, Phil and I will be taking part at home and so I thought I'd round up some of my favourite Christmas sweaters in case you fancy joining us. I will apologise now, cos this post is super pic heavy.

First up is Evans:

A little pricey for the novelty market, they range from £25-£38 and run from truly cheesy to the slightly more tasteful ivory fair isle (I might yet go back for that!)

 

 

 

New Look:

I was a little disappointed in their efforts this year. Prices run from £15-£28 and the candy cane version wasn't too bad in person but I didn't bother buying.

 

 

Yours clothing : 

I won't lie, I'm so so tempted by the "Handsoff my pudding" one. For real. If it wasn't just a tee shirt I'd have pulled the trigger already, but the weather has finally turned and jumpers are essential. 

 

George @Asda had a slightly better selection. I've got the gingerbread house & the baubles sitting in my online basket waiting to go once all my gifts are bought, as I'm just not convinced I can resist them.

 

 

 

Tesco had a range, but to be honest I still feel that they are a little pricey for something you can wear such a short time. I quite like the calories don't count one, and I'm tempted by the Disney holidays red jumper too. 

 

 

My final contender is Peacocks and that is where I got the sweater I'm wearing today. At £16 it is soft and warm, if a little thin. The colours are bright and I love the vintage feel to the pattern

. 

 

 

My little Elf and I also checked out Primark today, but I was underwhelmed 

 

So what beauties have you discovered? Feel free to share your festive finds with us, and definitely come join us on the 16th to raise some funds for charity! 

 

MIA....or almost

Well it's been about two weeks since I last posted. I thought we'd hit the bottom, but the following day (after another horrible puke-filled night) the GP referred us to the hospital. My poor lil bird  spent the next six days being fed through a tube, as he was just so tuckered out from the constant vomiting and the coughing that disturbed his sleep, he couldn't find the energy to suckle. A viral infection with bronchiolitis was what they told us, but all I knew was that my wee man was dehydrated and so far from being himself that I barely recognised him.

Being as it is bronchiolitis season, the place was packed & we spent two nights on the assessment unit waiting for a bed on the children's ward. But even with the move to the ward our problems didn't end. No one was deliberately negligent, but they were so overworked and understaffed that problems were unavoidable. My biggest annoyance, of many, was finding that the hospital had either lost, thrown away, or given away to another patient (😱) breast milk that I had fought hard to express. You see while my little boy is doing just fine feeding from the source, I've never been a great pumper. Apart from the first day my milk came in, I've always struggled to get more than 50mls between the two boobs & when he started refusing bottles around 4 months, I stopped bothering. As they were giving the boy 60-80mls per feed, I spent the first few days pumping around the clock like a crazy lady, and panicking when I didn't have enough. 

At this point my tribe went into action. I am so incredibly lucky to have found the haven of the Retro Mummies & Pregnant Pin-Ups group on Facebook. The women there are strong, fierce, non-judgemental and a force to be reckoned with when united to a cause. Between them, they put the call out to all their groups and before I knew it, my messenger inbox was filling up with offers of donor milk. Total strangers to me and my boy went out of their way, in some cases by many miles, to bring sustenance to my child when I was not enough. Women from as far as Luton & Leighton Buzzard made their way to MK General Hospital with bags of liquid gold to help get my wee man back on the mend. With the pressure taken off me, I was able to attempt to get some sleep (I'd been pumping hourly to try to keep ahead of the feeds) and to concentrate on being there for my baby. 

There are not enough words in any language to tell these ladies just how much their kindness and thoughtfulness meant. I was going out of my mind trying to be all and do everything and their donation gave a much needed respite that allowed me to focus on the baby. Between the kindness of strangers, and the support of our families, and my tribe, I survived our stay. There were many times I thought I'd crack, but every single time there was a mama there to hold a candle to my darkness. Even when I live streamed my hoarse, croaking lullabies at 2am, god help them, they sat through them. 

Thankfully, a week on from our discharge, things are slowly improving. All three of us still have a lingering cough, we are still catching up on our sleep and the baby is clingy as fuck...but we are home. We are past the worst & taking it easy. Lil bird even took most of his grandparents (my daddy had to stay home and mind the shop, so we will repeat later on for him) to meet Father Christmas. Despite the beginnings of separation anxiety, he was so good! We are excited about the holidays ahead and can't wait to see what Santa has in store.

To all our wonderful donors- Thank you seems so small, but it is honestly, and truly heartfelt. To my amazing tribe - Thank you. Always, always, thank you. To our parents -thank you for all the wonderful support, it was and is truly appreciated . To my long-suffering hubs -we can do this! 

 

 

Just call me Ariel

A few months ago I was lucky enough to win a beautiful swimsuit from Forluna swimwear, on an Instagram competition held by the gorgeous Atomic Amber  I've wanted this suit for so long that I've lost count, but could never justify buying it for myself when I never went near water. Well, things change. I refuse to inflict my fears of water on my kid, so he started swimming lessons at 12 weeks old, and this lead to that most horrifying of tasks...buying a swimsuit. 

We've all been there, standing in the oh so slightly yellow light of a grotty changing room, trying to squeeze your wobbly bits into what feels more like a sausage casing than a piece of clothing. We know the futility of peering through the racks of gorgeous kinis and suits for that elusive bigger size before admitting defeat and picking up that bland skirted monstrosity that you saw an elderly lady try on earlier. I don't think I know a single woman who hasn't had at least one experience like this in their lifetime. 

It shouldn't be like this. I do know one kickass lady in NYC who works in swimwear and they have some great stuff, but I've struggled to find anything in the UK so I was beyond ecstatic to find I'd won a suit, and the suit of my choice, no less. There was no indecision. I may not have the stunning Atomic Amber's figure, but I wanted the gorgeous green Esther Williams suit she had featured in her giveaway. I'd coveted it for years and now was my chance!

I've been holding off on reviewing, convinced that I'd find time to get some decent photos taken of me in the suit, but who am I kidding? I'm a mama to a 5 month old baby...finding time for things is almost impossible! So here we are. I got the husbeast to snap a few pics after our class and of course there is the selfie stick "it's here" photo from months back. I'm not disappointed. Not at all. Quite the opposite, in fact! The fabric quality is fantastic, thick and stretchy and it's held it's colour well. Sizing seems fairly accurate too. I'm currently a U.K. 22 for the boobs (HH/J cups) and the size 22 fits ok. You may want to size up a little, but I'm happy with mine as it is. The elastane content seems to be pretty good, as I regularly pop a boob over the top to feed the lil dude...swimming is thirsty work! It goes through the machine each week and washes like a dream. But more importantly, I feel like a frigging mermaid in it. I know I am not, but I feel tall and lithe and sparkling, and I have gone from dreading going near water, to looking forward to our weekly lesson. Obviously, the good instructor has a lot to do with this, but feeling confident in my fabulous suit sure as hell doesn't hurt 😉 

Now I've got my eye on their retro two pieces...maybe in a pretty print this time? Anchors? Polka dots? Who knows...but I'm surely feeling brave enough to rock a bikini these days! 

 

 

A mama's work is never done!

I was delighted when my pal Naelany asked me to guest on her blog  as I've really enjoyed resurrecting my own. As this weekend is a busy one, I decided to cross post my article here too, especially as parts of it fit pretty well with yesterday's Body Positivity Day. 

I'm not getting a huge amount of knitting done these days, which is how I met the lovely Naelany, but despite being deep in the new mama trenches, I am still crafting hard. Harder than ever before, in fact!

Let me tell you a little about myself. At 39, the lovely, kind,  National Health Service refer to me as a geriatric first time mama, and there are days when I most definitely feel it! I've been told many, many, times that I was born in the wrong era, preferring vintage styled clothes and I've always had an old-fashioned attitude to life, loving all the crafts I've come across. I began by teaching myself to crochet around age 16, and to use a sewing machine soon after. Twenty odd years down the line, I added knitting to the repertoire and culminated in (after a little help from the NHS) crafting my own little miracle last year.

Since my Little Bird arrived 4.5 months ago, I've found that my body confidence has soared. Unlike many new mums, I am so proud and confident in this new body of mine! I decided to embrace my love of all things vintage, and in particular the fashions of the 30's,40's 50's & 60's. As a plus size mama who has chosen to breastfeed, finding these styles can be difficult, so I resurrected my blog to share my finds with other plus-size pin-up mamas.

When I discovered that I was finally pregnant, like all mums-to-be, I had day dreams of dressing my little one in my favourite styles, however, the reality hasn't quite lived up to those dreams. There are tons of vintage-style baby clothes for little girls, but hardly any for the boys unless you've got little Prince George's wardrobe budget. Since I can't find the style of clothes I'd like, I've decided to put my sewing skills to use and start my own small business making reproduction & vintage styled children's clothes, as well as accessories such as car seat blankets to keep those tiny toes toasty for the UK's cooler months.

Getting crafty as a mama isn't easy. I hoard every spare minute of free time, and I have to have my lists, of course. Sometimes I can convince the wee dude to join me in my craft lair for a time, and sometimes I count the minutes until daddy comes home to take him for some man time. Still, by maintaining my style and getting my craft on, I help myself to retain a sense of 'me' in a time of constant flux.

On the slate this weekend was getting my first 'line' of clothes up and running. After browsing tons of vintage children's photos and several different sewing patterns, under the watchful eye of my little guy, I carefully drafted out my chosen styles, hunted down the right fabrics and began to cut out the various pieces I needed.

I'm praying that the boy co-operates this week and lets me get to the actual sewing portion! Not sure how that will work out when even as I type, and in his sleep, a wee hand has crept onto my leg and is holding on tight....and I wouldn't have it any other way. Perhaps I'll spend this nap time reading  my other pal S.M Lumetta's book 'You Are Here' instead of cutting more pattern pieces.

 

ETA- this was written last weekend...and what a week it has been. Little Bird got a tummy bug, but I still manages to sew a little. One little romper, ready to roll!